Deconstruction is a very personal experience, and by now, there’s a good chance you know someone who has said they are going through it. In my last post, I gave a brief introduction to what deconstruction is. This week, I want to lay out what it looked like for me, since no one’s journey is the exact same.
The easiest way I can lay it out is in six parts. For some, deconstruction can be a short process, like a few months, but for me, it was over the course of at least four years (and counting). I wouldn’t categorize myself as ‘reconstructed’ or ‘healed' from emotional trauma, but I have landed on a strengthened understanding of what it means to be a Christian. Oftentimes, someone going through this is experiencing it because of a deep pain. However, once someone is open to the idea of re-examining their beliefs and has gone through the path once, it’s easier for them to step back into it since they’ve already learned the terrain.
A brief recap of my own experience:
Growing Up
Born and raised in a Christian home, I was taught that everyone is born a sinner and the only way to heaven is through accepting that Jesus came to earth, died, and rose again to provide a path to God. Faith was a cornerstone of my upbringing, shaping my worldview and values. It also came with beliefs around women’s roles in the Church, who could hold a position of leadership, what music I could listen to, and what movies I could watch. Everything I heard, I believed, because why would I doubt the adults in my life?
Calling & Beginning Deconstruction
I grew up in a culture (late 90s to early 2000s) that idolized selling all your belongings and going into full-time ministry, especially if it involved moving abroad. The book "Radical" by David Platt was flying off the shelves, urging people to take action with their faith. Thus, the sense of needing a calling was strong and deeply ingrained in me. It’s what I prayed for and sought after—to know what I was meant to do.
As I became more involved in youth group and church, I was asked to play guitar and eventually sing, then to be a worship leader for both services. My talents were being affirmed, and I was growing in the opportunity to pursue ministry as a vocation. When looking at colleges, I thought I had been led by God to pursue a degree in worship arts. I had figured out what I was meant to do. However, after one semester, the school of music decided not to continue my enrollment. This unexpected turn left me questioning my path and whether I had even heard from God ‘correctly’. If people could take away the opportunity to ‘follow my calling’ so easily, was it a calling? I began to ask: Are we meant to have one direction and purpose for our life? Can people remove God’s influence so easily?
Haiti
After changing my program of study to sociology, I spent a few months in Haiti, where I lived with a group of Christians who didn’t get along despite sharing the same purpose and faith. Instead of unity, there was jealousy, gossip, and slander. Meanwhile, the village leaders and caretakers would be casting out demons and warning us of the voodoo that was taking place around us. The stories the people told and the experiences I had opened my eyes to the power that other beliefs can have. In Sunday school, I was taught that God is almighty and powerful—able to perform miracles and move mountains. But, we weren’t ever taught that there are other spiritual practices that also hold some power. I was exposed to a war of beliefs more explicitly than I had encountered before, and my understanding of the world grew greatly. It led me to question—how do I know what I’ve been taught is actually true? Is God the way?
Moving Away
When I came back from Haiti, I was more jaded than ever. Christians didn’t get along, a missionary didn’t trust me because I was younger than she had wanted someone to be, a school had removed my calling on my life, and whenever I tried to pray, I was greeted with silence. The friends I had made at a Christian college were not encouraging me to seek what was good, but what they wanted. I began to feel like I wouldn’t grow where I was planting myself and felt very distant from the community I thought I had.
Sometimes, a change of scenery is necessary for a change in oneself. As I processed my journey of deconstruction, I had repeatedly envisioned myself hiking in the mountains, searching for God at the summit. It ended up being a false summit multiple times and, in the end, multiple (metaphorical) mountains I had to climb. Each time, I’d reach the top only to find He wasn’t there. I’d hear Him calling from another mountaintop, hike down, and climb back up, only to experience the same absence. This journey symbolized my search for spiritual truth and the elusive nature of certainty. So, I sought out a reality of living near the mountains and moved to Colorado—as one does when they’re having an early onset mid-life crisis.
Reflection and Growth
Through these stages, I realized that deconstruction is not about losing faith but reshaping it. It’s a journey of questioning, seeking, and ultimately finding a more authentic and personal understanding of spirituality. My path is ongoing, filled with challenges and revelations, but it has led me to a deeper, more nuanced relationship with my beliefs.
I’ve heard it said that deconstruction is like each person having a house. When we are just starting out, our family and friends give us furniture to help us have a furnished house. After a few years, once we’ve understood the ins and outs of home ownership, we realize we may not like the style of the lamp in the corner. And come to think of it, that couch is kind of weird, and maybe you want to be more minimalist than your grandma was. And in an effort to save this metaphor from going too much off the rails, we end up taking out all or almost all of the furniture other people gave us. The furniture represents doctrines and beliefs that we grew up with and now get to re-examine if it is what gets to stay in the house or not. Now, you can ‘go shopping’ for other furniture. Read books, articles, talk with friends, reach out to pastors, or listen to podcasts about what God has said and how Jesus acts.
If you're going through deconstruction, know that you're not alone. Each person's journey is different, and it's okay to ask questions and seek answers that resonate with your own experiences and truths.
God is bigger than your doubts. Doubt freely, but seek truth diligently.
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