“I can’t explain why I feel this way, but God feels like He’s left me.” I said this as I lay on my bed in my college dorm room.
“What do you mean He left you?” my roommate asked.
“I don’t know—when I pray, it feels like my words are drifting into space with no destination.”
“I don’t really get it. How can God feel distant?”
This conversation started when my roommate asked about my day. It began with updates on our classes and who we’d seen at the coffee shop, then shifted to the discussions I’d had during my spiritual direction session.
Our college offered free spiritual direction, a bit like therapy but for spiritual life. According to George Fox University, it involves a trained guide who listens and supports someone seeking a deeper relationship with God.
I enjoyed my sessions—they allowed me to explore abstract thoughts without worrying about challenging my reformed friends’ views on duality, church structure, or marriage. I could ask if God was truly good. The director would ask me to visualize my spiritual state and describe it. Many images came to mind, but I was always alone.
As I struggled with the sense of God’s absence, I also felt a lack of community, which made deconstruction feel like it was wrong and that I was a bad Christian. It wasn’t until I discovered that other well-known theologians, like Tim Keller and C.S. Lewis, had been through similar experiences that I started to feel less… wrong. Lewis described his own spiritual desolation as a time where prayers seemed to vanish into an abyss—exactly how I felt and had tried to explain to my roommate in the conversation at the beginning of this post. I realized that understanding this feeling is challenging unless you've experienced it yourself.
How My Community Changed
Community is crucial to spiritual life and to a healthy life in general. It can offer comfort, challenge, and refinement. People need people, and we all need love.
However, community can be a barrier if it’s unwelcoming or judgmental. Unfortunately, when discussing deconstruction, the spaces meant to support us can sometimes feel exclusive.
I stopped attending church because I couldn’t be honest about my feelings toward God. I felt frustrated and confused. I questioned why He allows bad things to happen and why there seem to be contradictions in the Bible. Sharing these feelings often led to puzzled looks and questions about why I felt this way. I had to distance myself from those who responded with “just trust Jesus” because I couldn’t and I learned that they didn’t understand or try to understand.
During this period, I met a new friend and shared my experience from a mission trip to Haiti, where my team had experienced spiritual warfare with voodoo. It turned out he had recently discussed spiritual warfare with another friend. We ended up talking for hours. It was refreshing to talk with someone who didn’t respond with “trust Jesus” but wanted to understand and empathize. She shared her stories and questions about God that stemmed from these experiences. We met each other where we were at instead of trying to help them land in a place we thought they should be, because that’s what we both needed in that moment. We’re still friends today.
Identifying Supportive Communities
Finding a supportive community means looking for people who respect your faith and don’t see it as a threat. Seek out groups where open dialogue is encouraged and where empathy leads. The best communities are ones that embrace love, grace and empathy while also helping you grow when needed.
To be honest, most of my community at the time was four close friends and a lot of podcasters/ authors who were sharing their experiences on public platforms because it helped me understand my own journey.
Online forums, local gatherings, and faith-based discussion groups can all be great resources. I listened to The Liturgists podcast for three years and felt less alone in exploring Christian beliefs outside conventional boundaries. Even now, I listen to The Deconstruction Zone.
Talk About Your Journey
Sharing your deconstruction journey requires a lot of vulnerability, which means being honest. It’s important to share your experiences while being mindful of how others may react.
Be prepared for a range of responses, from supportive to skeptical. Your openness might prompt uncomfortable reactions, but it can also lead to meaningful conversations and connections. You also never know what it might prompt for someone else. A younger version of me would have loved knowing someone I could talk to about my doubts and confusion when they came up. The only examples I had of people were people that appeared to be confident and conclusive in their Bible knowledge and relationship with God.
Managing Unhelpful or Negative Reactions
Not all reactions will be positive. Some people might challenge you or express discomfort with your experience. Remember, such responses often stem from fear or misunderstanding. Handle these reactions with patience and self-compassion. Everyone is on their own journey, and their paths might intersect with yours again in the future.
What helped me was staying true to my commitment to truth and peace. Surround yourself with people who respect and support your process and who embody the qualities you aspire to.
Conclusion
As you navigate community and faith during deconstruction, remember that you’re not alone. Seek out supportive spaces, engage in open dialogue, and embrace the growth that comes with this journey. Your path is one toward a more authentic and resilient faith.
Feel free to share your own experiences and insights in the comments. Subscribe to explore more on navigating faith and community during times of change.
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